


this is your heart

by thecoquimonster



Series: TIYH [1]
Category: Infernal Devices Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Alternate Ending, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Multi, this is like 8k of kissing i swear to god
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-22
Updated: 2016-09-22
Packaged: 2018-08-16 18:37:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,269
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8113018
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thecoquimonster/pseuds/thecoquimonster
Summary: Jem is burned by heavenly fire when Tessa Changes into Ithuriel. An alternate ending to Clockwork Princess.





	

**Author's Note:**

> So this is my personal "fuck you" to the end of Clockwork Princess. 
> 
> This took me forever to write because I wanted to make it absolutely perfect and then I decided, "Oh to hell with it!!" and just. Finished it. 
> 
> This takes place in a tweaked universe where Will and Jem were breaking the Clave's Law about parabatai but then ended it a little while before meeting Tessa. Because it's me, so of course it does. 
> 
> I don't think I've ever written this much kissing. Ever. 
> 
> Title taken from Laura Palmer by Bastille. It's my favorite song for these nerds.

As the Change took place, she screamed. Fire took the place of her blood. She could only see blazing white light as she felt her bones change, elongating.

A voice.  Familiar, but she was unable to place a name to it. “Tess!”

As if from a great distance, she heard Armaros snarl. He held her upper arm in a tight grip as more and more heavenly fire blazed through her body. He screeched as his hand burned with it. The fire consumed him.

She fell.

Someone caught her a few feet from the ground. There was a scream –more human, and the person fell back and dropped her. She stumbled forward and regained her balance. Tessa didn’t have time to turn to see what had happened. She grew. Faster now. She rose into the sky like a phoenix from its ashes. She grew taller, taller.

She glanced down to see the Shadowhunters staring up at her with gaping mouths. All but—two. Jem was on his side, the bone-colored robes that he wore in flames. Will stood two steps away from his _parabatai_ , his hand outstretched as though he ached to touch him. As Tessa watched, Will dragged his gaze away from Jem to look up at her. His eyes squinted, as though she were too painful and bright with fire to look at directly.

The entire room was white with her flame. She had become Ithuriel.

She wondered if she should feel terrified. She only felt calm.

Tessa stood at twenty feet tall now. She was eye-level with Mortmain, who on his balcony, took a step away from her.

“This is not possible,” said Mortmain. His voice was hoarse and his skin was white as a ghost. “Not possible.”

 _You have entrapped an angel of Heaven,_ said Ithuriel through Tessa. _You have tried to create life. Life is the province of Heaven. And Heaven does not take kindly to usurpers._

Mortmain took another step back and turned to run. He was too slow for Tessa, who had the power of an angel coursing through her. She reached out her hand –the angel’s hand—and closed it around him, lifting him off of his feet. He writhed and burned as Tessa tightened her grip, crushing him like a bug.

She opened her fingers and Mortmain’s body fell into his now lifeless automatons.

The Shadowhunters stood in the center of it all, and Tessa’s heart leaped to see them. Then she remembered Jem, and her chest tightened. She looked to him, and he still lay on the ground. Will was closer to him, crouching over Jem now as though to shield him. She reached out for the Shadowhunters, and they shrank away.

 _I would never hurt you_ , she wanted to say, but no words would come out. She tried to Change back into her own body, but she was lost in the heavenly fire. She fell again.

~

Something shifted. Will woke up instantly, though he did not open his eyes. He sucked in a breath, too afraid to hope. He had felt a change, a good one. It made his throat tighten and his eyes want to water. The _parabatai_ rune over his heart burned like it had just been drawn. Will reached up slowly, eyes still closed, and traced his finger over the rune, overwhelmed. Jem.

Will prayed that if this was a dream that he would never wake up from it. He could feel Jem with him, could feel that the cut bond had somehow reattached itself. It was stronger than before, as though it were a newly healed bone. He could _feel_ that Jem was alive. He tested it more, feeling like a child who had just gotten their _parabatai_ Mark and was probing at it, asking their friend, “Can you feel this? Can you feel me here in the room with you?”

He had done that with Jem himself when they were fourteen and the bond was new. This was not a new feeling. He had forgotten, briefly, what it felt like to be bonded like this. But the shock faded in a matter of seconds, leaving him with relief at the blessedly familiar tie. He kept prodding at it, though, to make sure that it was real, that Jem was _alive,_ and not a Silent Brother, but _Jem_ , still his Jem. He wondered if it was his imagination when he felt Jem prod back at him.

He wanted to see if his _parabatai_ rune was still faded. But he dared not open his eyes for fear that he was dreaming and that by waking, the cord would snap, leaving him alone again.

 _Jem_ , he thought. In his half-awakened state he remembered that he’d fallen asleep hunched over his former _parabatai_ ’s form, holding his hand like a lifeline. Jem’s hand squeezed his own, as if in answer, and Will’s eyes flew open.

His eyes instantly met Jem’s. Will’s heart stuttered at seeing the immediate differences in Jem’s face. His hair and eyes were the same color they had been when he’d first come to the London Institute five years ago. Before the _yin fen_ addiction had gotten bad. His eyes were dark, but when he moved his head slightly, they caught the light and Will saw flashes of a golden color.

Jem still had a couple silvery streaks in his hair. The only reminder of his addiction now. He had faded runes on both of his cheeks. Yesterday they had been stark black against his pale skin and now they looked like scars. Will reached over to trace the faded Brotherhood runes, still in disbelief.

“William.”

At Jem’s voice, Will drew his hand back as though he’d been burned. Jem was staring at him with the same amazement that Will felt.

“What happened?” he asked.

Jem swallowed and blinked. “I’m not quite sure. But I don’t feel connected to the Brotherhood anymore. It’s... difficult to explain.”

“The bond came back,” said Will in a soft voice, as if afraid speaking it would make it suddenly untrue. He still hadn’t quite let go of the fear that this was a dream. That Jem had been alive –a Silent Brother, yes, but still alive – _that_ had felt like a dream. This was too much of a miracle to even imagine. “And the runes on your cheeks are faded.”

“I knew I felt you,” said Jem, breaking into a smile. “It’s true then. I am not tied to the Brotherhood anymore.”

“Jem,” Will said, though he didn’t know what else he wanted to say. He didn’t think he would ever see his _parabatai_ again, but here he was. Alive and breathing and not addicted to _yin fen_. Not a Silent Brother. Looking almost exactly as he did the day he’d first stepped into the London Institute. This was all so much, so difficult, to process. Will remembered that night at the inn, the way he’d thought Jem was gone forever, and his throat tightened.

“I did what I thought I had to do,” Jem said, seeming to understand. “For you and Tessa.” He paled. “Tessa.”

Will looked over Jem’s form to the door, as though he could see through it all the way to Tessa’s room. She had been taken to her room in the Institute last night, unconscious and bruised. Will hadn’t been allowed into her room while the Silent Brothers tried to heal her. Brother Enoch had found Will here at Jem’s bedside and given him an update on Tessa.

Then he’d turned to Jem’s sleeping form. Will jumped in his chair to take Jem’s hand, thinking that Jem would be taken from him too now. Brother Enoch seemed as amused as a Silent Brother could be.

_I am not taking Brother Zachariah. He will stay here with you._

At the time, Will had understood it to mean that he would stay there until he was fully healed, and then go back to the Silent City. Now he realized what Brother Enoch truly meant. Jem would _stay._

Will was afraid that Tessa would not.

“What happened to Tessa?” Jem asked.

Will looked back to Jem and swallowed. “After you—you were burned by the heavenly fire and Mortmain was killed, Tessa Changed back into herself. But I think that the Change took too much out of her. She hasn’t woken up since.”

Jem’s gaze darkened. “Will she be all right?”

Will shook his head. “I don’t know. I don’t know. The Silent Brothers said that she may never wake up. The heavenly fire could have killed you. She Changed into the angel. It might have been too much for her.” He tried not to let his voice waver. He’d been worried over both Jem and Tessa, thinking that either of them could die. Will was sure that only pure exhaustion had made him fall asleep the way he’d done at Jem’s bedside. Otherwise he would have stayed awake all night.

Jem kicked off the bedsheets as though he were going to rush to Tessa’s side.

“You should rest,” Will said, making as if to stop Jem from standing up.

“I’m fine,” said Jem. “The heavenly fire didn’t hurt me.”

“You sounded as if you were in pain.” He remembered Jem’s scream after he’d been burned. Guttural. Will had never heard a cry of pain like that before. He had even imagined that he could feel it too; his skin, his very soul burning, but had dismissed it. The _parabatai_ rune had faded by then, and the bond dissolved with it.

“Only at first, because it was burning away the rest of the demon venom,” Jem said with his gentle smile.  “And the runes of the Brotherhood, too.”

“I thought you had died.”

Jem sobered again. He let his muscles relax and curled his fingers around Will’s wrist. Will was almost startled by the warmth of his fingers. Jem’s hands had always been cold. Jem pressed his thumb gently over the pulse point of Will’s wrist and blinked.

Will felt his throat tighten again.  He pulled Jem in closer, a little too forcefully, and Jem’s shoulder crashed into his chest. Jem let out a laugh and shifted so that it could be made into a true hug. Will buried his face into Jem’s shoulder and breathed in his smell. It wasn’t the sweetness of the _yin fen_ anymore; he smelled like sweat and fire and Jem.

Will hadn’t cried since he was twelve. Since the day his family had come to the Institute. Today, a few months shy of eighteen, he blinked hard and tears slid down his cheeks.

Jem wasn’t dead. He wasn’t dying. He was as bright and steady as the sun.

~

Jem was on his feet a few hours later. He still needed to rest and wouldn’t be training for a few days, but for the first time in a long while he felt strong and healthy. There wasn’t a cough building up in his chest. He didn’t get winded just by walking across the hall. He had left his cane up in his room. He didn’t even lean on Will for support as they made their way down to the library. Their arms brushed as they walked, but their closeness was a comfort and not a necessity.

He was sure that Will was silently worrying over him. He was watching out for Jem’s new limits. Jem didn’t fully mind because even he kept waiting for the moment he started tiring. The runes of the Brotherhood had made everything seem far away –pain was not much of an issue, and exhaustion was nonexistent. He had still loved Tessa and Will, but even that seemed distant. As though he were behind a glass.

The heavenly fire had shattered the glass. It had only been days since he joined the Brotherhood, but the world tumbled into him in full color. He glanced at Will and the love was utterly present. Deep and unending.

The _parabatai_ rune at his shoulder sparked. He had looked at it before leaving his room. It was not the silvery white of a rune that spoke of a broken bond, but it was not quite black either. Jem did not know what it meant, but the bond seemed to be as strong as ever.

They found Charlotte in the library. She looked up from whatever she was doing and cried out his name. She rushed to throw her arms around Jem. She sobbed with relief into his chest. Jem wrapped his arms around her to return her embrace.

Charlotte pulled away and wiped away her tears. “You’re all right. Oh, thank goodness you’re all right.”

“Fit as a fiddle,” said Jem.

She nodded and took him in. Jem could see her surprise as she registered all of the same details that Will had noticed. His hair color. His eye color. The runes on his cheeks. “The Brotherhood runes. They’re faded. Is that why the Silent Brothers left you here?”

“It seems as though the angel’s heavenly fire burned away his tie to the Brotherhood, as well as his addiction,” said Will.

Charlotte shook her head, perplexed. “But the Marks of the Brotherhood are meant to be permanent. This is so unusual…”

“Will the Clave want me to rejoin them?” Jem asked. He felt his heart stutter. He didn’t want to rejoin the Brothers. To think that he had lived through a miracle like this, to think that he now had the chance to continue to grow and fight and live alongside Will and Tessa, to think that he would have a full life untainted by the drug, only to have it ripped away by the Clave’s ridiculous laws…. He would not do it. He would not let the Clave force him to do something he had never truly wanted to do in the first place.

 “Your situation is unique,” Charlotte answered carefully. “Some people in the Clave may be upset, but ultimately it is your decision, Jem. No one else can make it for you.”

“I want to stay here,” Jem blurted at once. He didn’t have to turn to Will to know that his _parabatai_ was beaming. It was such an obvious decision. Everything he had, everything he was, everyone he loved was here in the London Institute.

Charlotte cracked the smallest of smiles. “What happened to you when the heavenly fire burned you was nothing less than a miracle. That you’re alive and healthy—that you’ll get to marry—” she cut herself off, her smile dropping.

“How is Tessa?” Will asked.

Charlotte sighed. She seemed exhausted and Jem felt a flash of concern for her. She looked so stressed and it couldn’t be good for her or the baby. “No change, I’m afraid. I think that Sophie is still at her bedside, if you would like to visit and relieve her.”

“Yes,” said both Will and Jem together.

Charlotte touched Jem’s cheek for a moment. His heart ached because it was such a motherly gesture, full of care and relief.  She looked at Will and smiled at him.  Then she turned away and went back to her desk.

“I’m worried about her,” Jem said as they left the library. “She has to deal with all of this with a baby on the way.”

Will nodded in agreement. “I think that seeing you healthy has taken a burden off of her shoulders, though.”

“Then I’m glad we came to see her first,” said Jem.

They fell silent as they walked to Tessa’s bedroom. They opened the door to find Sophie sitting on the chair watching Tessa toss and turn in her bed. Sophie looked up and stood. “Master Will! And… Master Jem? You’re well?”

Will relayed the story to Sophie and she looked dizzy with happiness. “That is wonderful news. The Angel knows we needed some. The Silent Brothers say that Henry will not be able to walk again. And poor Tessa here…”

“How is she?” asked Jem.

Sophie frowned. “She cries out at times in her sleep. She hasn’t for a couple of hours, but she’s restless. It’s as if she wants to wake up but can’t.”

“Tessa,” Will said in such a soft voice that Jem could barely hear it. If he ever had doubts about Will’s feelings for Tessa, that single whisper of her name washed them away.

“Do you want me to leave you with her?” Sophie asked.

“Yes, thank you, Sophie,” Jem said.

She nodded and took a last look at Tessa before leaving the room. She closed the door behind her.

Tessa was restless. Her legs were kicking under the sheets and her breathing was heavy. Jem stepped forward and wrapped his fingers around her wrist. Her skin was hot with fever and her pulse was racing. She let out a wordless, pained cry. It almost sounded like a sob.

“Tessa,” Jem said, fear shooting through him. He let go of her wrist to hold her hand instead. This time, Tessa stilled as though she could sense it was him. “Wake up, Tessa, please.”

He turned and saw Will standing a few feet away, tense and unsure. Jem tilted his head. Will understood immediately and came over to stand at his side. Jem took his hand and Will laced their fingers together and squeezed. They didn’t speak.

~

Tessa tried to fight through her nightmares and into consciousness. Fire surrounded her. Through the flames she caught glimpses of Nate, of Jessamine, of Charlotte and Henry, of Jem and Will. She saw Nate dying over again, saw Jessamine’s parasol spattered with blood. The fire consumed them.

She felt Will kissing her again, too gentle for words. His fingers in her hair. The ticking of her clockwork angel matching their heartbeats. But her angel, too, was gone now.

She saw Jem with his silver hair and eyes, coughing up blood. She saw him fighting beside Will in parchment-colored robes like a miracle, silver hair streaked through with black. She saw him collapse, his robes being eaten by white flames and Will staring up at her.

Had the look in Will’s blue eyes been accusation? Shock and fear? Simple astonishment? Standing as the angel Ithuriel, Tessa had not been able to tell. The pale fire had washed away all his color, so that as Will reached out for his _parabatai_ , he resembled a spirit beckoning Jem’s soul to join him in the afterlife.

She knew that this wasn’t true. Will had been begging Jem to stay alive. She reached out for him, wanted to throw herself down on the ground beside Will to plead for Jem to stay. She could not. Jem remained lifeless on the ground. The fire spread.

 If Jem had truly been alive at the battle, she had certainly killed him.

~

“Charlotte, Charlotte please,” Will said, holding Tessa’s hand tightly. She had been crying out in her sleep, about Jem. This was the first time it happened since Sophie told him and Jem about it. He had tried to talk to her, but it was no use; she was far and away, listening and seeing only what her visions were showing her. Now he looked at Charlotte, who had burst in almost immediately after he’d called for her and Jem. “There must be some way to wake her.”

Charlotte looked wan as she stepped closer to the bed. Despite her happiness at Jem’s recovery, she seemed exhausted. “Will, the Silent Brothers have said that they can do no more for her. You know this.”

“She needs to wake up,” said Will.

Jem stepped into the room. He had been sleeping. After their first visit, he and Jem had decided to take turns looking after Tessa. For the past couple of days, Will had not seen Jem but for meals and the few minutes before one of them took their turn at Tessa’s bedside.

Jem leaned on the wall. Concern shot through Will before he reminded himself that Jem’s fatigue was no longer a product of his addiction. “Has she been crying out in her sleep?”

“For you,” Will said.

Jem glanced at Tessa with worry. “And there is nothing we can do to wake her?”

“I already tried banging pots and pans,” Will said. Neither of them looked amused, and Will sobered, letting go of Tessa’s hand. He gazed down at his shoes. “Perhaps I could ask Magnus. If the Silent Brothers cannot help us, surely he could.”

Charlotte nodded slowly. “Should I leave it to you, then?”

Will nodded, and Charlotte left the room.

Jem walked over to stand next to him. “You said she was crying out for me. What did she say?”

“She thinks she killed you,” said Will. That was part of what she said. He did not offer the other thing she had mentioned, had begged forgiveness for. That was a discussion for later, when he came back from his visit with Magnus.  

Tessa had said she did not regret it, but that was before they found out that Jem was alive. Will did not know if he regretted it now. He had longed for it, to have Tessa, to kiss Tessa. But he had done it only because Jem had given Will his blessing, because he’d thought Jem dead, and that he would follow soon after.

But Jem was alive, beautifully alive.

Jem put his hand on Tessa’s forehead and brushed a few strands of dark brown hair from her face.

“Tess,” he said, “I am here.”

Will watched Jem murmur to Tessa in Mandarin for a moment before turning to leave the room.

~

Jem set down his violin as Will entered his room. He had been gone for a few hours, and Jem left Tessa with Sophie. He was restless, however, and as always he turned to his music. Faint amusement flickered in Will’s blue eyes. “Up to old habits, I see.”

It seemed that he was commenting on the both of them. How many times had Will come home and gone to Jem’s room late into the night, to this very scene?

“What did Magnus say?” Jem asked.

“He thinks he might be able to help,” Will said. “He’ll be here in the morning.”

Jem nodded and closed the violin’s case.

Will lingered by the door, and Jem turned to him and blinked. He seemed to be fighting with himself. Jem raised his eyebrows. “You don’t have to leave, you know.”

Will started. He closed the door behind him, careful that it did not make a sound. He came forward as he spoke. “I—I wasn’t planning on leaving. I wanted to talk with you more. About Tessa. About what she said this afternoon.”

“You told me she thought she had killed me,” Jem recalled, and his stomach churned. He felt helpless. He could not reassure Tessa while she dreamt. “She remembers the heavenly fire, then.”

Will nodded. He was hesitant. It reminded Jem of all of the times Will had hidden things from him. He’d wanted to scream at him to tell him what was wrong. Back then, it would not have helped and Jem knew it wouldn’t help now. A lifetime habit of keeping secrets was not so easy to break.

“She didn’t say anything this afternoon, after I left?” Will asked.

Jem shook his head. “Why? What else did she say while you were watching her?”

“She asked for forgiveness,” Will said.

“Because she thinks that she killed me?”

“For something else.” He stood in front of Jem, close enough to touch. He met Jem’s gaze with anxious blue eyes. “As I do as well.” Will swallowed and his voice lowered, his tone as gentle as Jem had ever heard it. “James. You know I love Tessa as you do.”

Jem took a shaky breath. He shook his head, not wanting to let Will go into any of the details. He felt a twinge of hurt, like a prick of a needle, at the implications of what Will had begun to say. He knew that he should not, but it was there regardless.

Will stared at him, looking pale. He grabbed Jem’s sleeve. “Jem, I am truly sorry. I would not have done it if I had known you were still alive.”

Jem nodded. He did not know if he truly believed it. He didn’t even know if Will believed it of himself, though he sounded as if he wanted to.

 “Does she love you?” Jem asked.

Will faltered. “I—” He shook his head. “She loves _you,_ Jem. I told you, before…” The rest of the sentence hung heavily in the air, unsaid. They’d had this same conversation a few days ago.

“That is an answer to a different question,” Jem said.

“Would you still want to marry her if she did?” Will asked, his voice soft now. “I will not let you suffer more for me.”

Jem had suffered. But Will had always made it seem manageable. Jem’s mind flew back through brief flashes of memory: Will pressing him against the wall of the training room, Will’s lips a hair away from his own, Will laughing so hard that his eyes sparked and his face seemed years younger. Small moments of happiness that cut through Will’s misery.

He and Will were always going to be an impossibility. And he could not let Will suffer more, either. “You love her. And if she loves you –I cannot take that away from you, William, I cannot marry her and let you lose both of the loves of your life.”

Will’s grip on his shirt sleeve tightened. Jem could feel Will’s hand trembling and he didn’t know if it was because he was holding on too tight or if it was something else. Will’s eyes were hard and protective. Jem’s heart almost jumped to his throat then. Perhaps he shouldn’t have mentioned it.

“I will _never_ lose you again,” Will said.

His gaze was even more intense than before. Jem recognized the look in his eyes and his heart pounded. He could feel the blood rushing through his veins. Will had that same wildness in his eyes that he’d had the night he apologized for going to the drug den. The night Jem had told him that his walls were coming down. He had been sure that Will was going to kiss him then. Jem didn’t think he would have stopped him.

He didn’t think he would stop him now. Jem both ached for it and dreaded it.  He took a sharp breath and cupped Will’s cheek, wordlessly reassuring his _parabatai_. As he’d always done. Will leaned in, almost unintentionally. He was so close that Jem could feel his body heat. They were breathing the same air for what felt like a lifetime before Jem mustered the courage to press his lips against Will’s.

Will tensed for a moment. This was forbidden. This was something they had promised never to do again. But before Jem could pull back, Will melted into the kiss.

Will was warm and strong against Jem. Painfully familiar, like the _parabatai_ bond when Jem had felt it come back. Will’s hands had shifted to hold Jem’s waist as he kissed Jem, harder than he usually had done. Jem let out a grunt of surprise. He could count on one hand how many times Will had kissed him this fiercely; Will was usually soft and slow with his kisses.

But right now, Will kissed him as though he was drowning and Jem was his last gasp of air. Jem took a couple of steps back. The back of his legs hit the edge of the bed and he sat down. His arms were around Will’s neck and Jem drew him closer. Will broke away from the kiss for a moment only to sigh out, “ _Jem.”_

It sounded as though Will had wanted to say more, but Jem tugged him down into the kiss again. Nonetheless he had a feeling that he knew what Will would have said. Every cell in his body was singing with it.

He had missed kissing Will like this.

Jem threaded his fingers through Will’s dark curls. He had nearly forgotten how soft his hair was. Will hummed and pressed in closer. He pulled away from the kiss and pressed his mouth against Jem’s neck. Jem shivered.

“You will never lose me again,” Jem said breathlessly, because he wanted to say it, wanted to hear it aloud from his own voice. The truth of it surged through his entire body. 

As jaded and cynical as he came off, Will had always been the one to hope for impossible things. This thing that had happened to Jem –this was impossible. It was impossible, but it was _real_. They would never lose each other ever again.

Will jerked back at the sound of Jem’s voice. His face had everything he felt written across it. Jem’s stomach twisted at seeing the amazement in Will’s eyes. Protectiveness rushed through Jem’s veins.

“The bond—,” Will began.

“—was broken when I became a Silent Brother,” Jem finished, sliding his hands so that his fingers curled around the back of Will’s neck.

“It came back,” said Will.

“Technicalities.” Jem grinned and touched his forehead to Will’s. He didn’t kiss Will again, but he wanted to. “You were never one to care about the Law, anyway. And your curse is gone.”

“Tessa,” Will choked out. “Will you still marry Tessa?”

Jem slowly pulled away. It seemed he wasn’t going to let this go. “Will—”

“You have been given a second chance at life, James,” Will said. “She’s in love with you.”

“She’s in love with you, too,” Jem told him. Will had opened his mouth to argue, but Jem continued before he spoke. “She _is_. Let her make the decision.”

Will relaxed his shoulders and nodded. He didn’t leave the room, and Jem didn’t ask him to. Instead he went to sit by the fireplace. Jem followed him. He had lost count of the nights that they’d sat like this, just in each other’s company without saying a word. Jem had always wondered why Will was so tormented, but had never pushed.

Tonight, things were different. All of Will’s secrets had been peeled away until it was just Will. Painfully honest and holding so much love that it crashed into Jem like a wave.

“Do you think we should tell Tessa?” Will broke the silence. “I—” He sighed here, and looked down at his shoes. “I am so tired of secrets.”

“So am I,” Jem agreed.

“Do you think knowing this would hurt her?”

“I think the conversation will end similarly to the way ours did,” Jem said, and then grinned.

Will leaned to the side and rested his head on Jem’s shoulder. He touched Jem’s cheek and traced the faded Brotherhood runes with his thumb. He seemed to have a fascination with them, the Marks that had separated them. But they hadn’t been separated for long. Days. Compared to the length of time they would have together now, it was nothing. Jem felt an enormous amount of gratitude for it.

Jem blinked slowly and felt Will’s thumb brush against his eyelashes.

“Like this?” Will asked softly, and turned Jem’s head so that he could kiss him. This time Will was gentle and sweet. It was soft but deliberate. As much as Jem wanted to pull Will tightly against him again, he didn’t. Jem kept the kiss tender. A warm, safe feeling spread all the way down to his toes. The kiss tasted like forever. Jem had never had a kiss that promised something like that. He smiled as Will kissed the corners of his mouth.

“Like that, yes,” Jem replied as he broke the kiss. He kept his eyes closed and didn’t pull away. His forehead still pressed against Will’s.

“In that case, I have nothing to worry about,” Will said. His breath stroked Jem’s cheeks.

He didn’t sound convinced, but Jem did not know what else he could say that would reassure him. Jem pulled back slightly to look at him and stroked Will’s hair. Will leaned into his touch and Jem laughed, soft and breathy. He kept carding his fingers through Will’s hair, long after Will’s breathing got steady and deeper. Sleep was pulling at his eyelids, and he leaned back slowly until he was lying down. Will’s head rested on his chest and he seemed to cuddle into him without waking. Jem’s eyes fluttered shut. They fell asleep together there like they had when they were children.

~

Tessa’s head pounded and she let out a little groan of pain. She opened her eyes and was grateful that her room was dim. Still her body screamed at her to close her eyes again and sink back into unconsciousness. Tessa shifted in her bed. She wanted to sit up, but a familiar voice told her to stay where she was.

She turned her head to see Magnus Bane. Blue sparks of magic flickered in his hands and he gazed at her steadily.

“You’ve been unconscious for quite some time, Miss Gray,” said Magnus. “Will had to beg me to see if there was anything I could do. You are all lucky that this was rather simple.”

“Where is he?” Tessa managed. She felt a flash of grief. Perhaps he wasn’t here because he was angry with her. She wouldn’t blame him. After all, she had killed Jem.

Her eyes pricked with tears. She wiped them away with the back of her hand.

“Patience,” Magnus said. His tone was soothing. Tessa wanted to go back to sleep. She could delay facing a world without Jem Carstairs.  As though he could sense she was about to fall back asleep, Magnus took her arm in his hand. He shook her lightly. As gentle as he was, it only made the feeling that her head was spinning even worse. “Stay awake, Tessa. Someone else is here to see you.”

“Someone else?” Tessa echoed. She sat up and tried to ignore her dizziness.

Another person stepped into the room and Tessa’s heart stuttered. It was—it was—

“Jem?” Tessa said.

Magnus left the room without a sound. He closed the door behind him, leaving Tessa to gawk and stare at James Carstairs. He wore the clothes from his own closet, not the parchment-colored robes of the Silent Brothers. His silky hair was almost completely black now, save for a streak of silver. His eyes were dark too. Jem flushed as he approached her, bringing her attention to his cheeks. The dark Marks of the Brotherhood had faded into white scars.

She felt like she was seeing a ghost.

“Jem,” she said, struggling to speak around the lump in her throat. This was impossible. How could he be here, like this? “Jem. But—I killed you, I saw, when I Changed into Ithuriel—”

Jem sat on the side of her bed and took her hand in his. “You did not kill me, Tess. You _saved_ me. When you Changed into the angel Ithuriel, you saved me.”

Tessa shook her head, not understanding. “I don’t see how.”

“When you fell, and I caught you, you were burning with heavenly fire,” Jem said. “I had become a Silent Brother. My body had been frozen in just the way it had been when they gave me the runes.  I still had a small amount of _yin fen_ in my body, and it would have prevented me from becoming a true Silent Brother. There would have been some amount of rituals I would not have been able to go through. But when I caught you, while you were Changing into Ithuriel, the fire burned me.”

“I know,” Tessa said. She would never forget the sight of him, white flames consuming him. “I thought it killed you.”

“It saved me,” Jem said again. His thumb stroked her hand. “It burned away the runes of the Brotherhood. It burned away the rest of the _yin fen_. I will never need to take the drug again. I’m a normal Shadowhunter now.”

“Your _parabatai_ bond with Will,” Tessa breathed.

Jem tensed at the mention of Will. He glanced towards the doorway; the door to Tessa’s room was closed and he looked back at her. Jem nodded and lowered his voice. “That too, has come back. Although only the three of us know it. Everyone else believes it is still broken.”

Tessa reached out and touched Jem’s cheek. His skin was warm. Not fevered, but pulsing with life. Jem put his hand over hers and pulled it gently to his mouth. He pressed his mouth against the palm of her hand. Tessa’s heart started to pound.

His eyes never left hers. Tessa would have to grow used to seeing him with black hair and dark eyes, but she liked them. She had found Jem beautiful with his silver hair and eyes, like a boy made of moonlight. But this was healthy Jem. This was James Carstairs the way he should have grown up.

“I saved you,” Tessa said. Her voice wavered. There was still a part of her that felt she must be dreaming.

“You saved all of us,” Jem agreed, letting go of Tessa’s hand. He grinned. “But mostly me.”

He leaned down, and Tessa ached. She met the kiss for a moment, savoring his lips against hers. He tasted like tea and smelled like the fire in his room’s grate. Jem pressed in closer. She gasped and felt Jem’s tongue against hers. One of his hands was cupping the back of her neck and tugging on her hair.  

Tessa kissed him once more before she put a hand on his shoulder and pushed him back.

Jem backed away without a word. He looked at her and blinked. His brow was furrowed with confusion. Something in her chest twisted and she took one of Jem’s hands so he wouldn’t leave.

“I must tell you something,” Tessa said, “about Will.”

Jem took her hand again and squeezed it. “If this is about what happened at Cadair Idris, I already know. Will told me. Tessa, understand that he didn’t mean to place blame on you, but rather to ask for forgiveness for himself. He believes he was in the wrong.”

“Do you remember what you told me the day we went to see Jessamine in the Silent City?” Tessa asked. “That our actions were equal. I had a part in that, Jem. I wanted it. I love him.”

“I know,” Jem said. He was calm. Too calm. Tessa wanted to scream at him, for surely he was angry? He must have been hurt, at least. “I’m not angry, Tessa. With either of you. He loves you as well. He told me. It is why I made him go after you, and gave the two of you my blessing.”

Tessa let out a panicked sound from the back of her throat. She had not known that Will and Jem had spoken about Will’s love for her, even less about Jem giving them their blessing. “I don’t want it! Jem, I am _your_ intended. I love you, I do. But it is something I cannot explain—I love you and Will equally and enormously, not one more than the other.”

Jem laughed. He leaned in to touch his forehead to hers and she could almost feel his smile. “Oh, Tessa. I know that too. I understand it.”

And despite his good humor, Jem’s words were heavy. It did not sound like mere acceptance. There was a truth pulsing beneath them, but Tessa’s head was too muddled to try to figure it out.

“So you aren’t hurt?” Tessa asked. “Would you… would you still want to marry me?”

Jem drew away from her. He looked solemn and Tessa’s heart pounded in her chest as she attempted to prepare herself for whatever Jem was going to say. But how could someone prepare their heart for such a thing? How could she prevent it from getting broken, when she had given all her love to Jem?

He was quiet for a long time. When Tessa started to think she wouldn’t be able to bear it any longer, Jem spoke. His voice was low and tense. It was almost edged with fear, but when Tessa met Jem’s dark eyes, they were hard and confident. “You said that you love me and Will equally and enormously. I need to tell you, that this is true of me as well.”

“Of course. I wouldn’t expect anything different,” Tessa said. “He’s your _parabatai._ ”

“No,” Jem said. He cleared his throat. Tessa studied him. Jem so rarely showed nervousness and she was drawn to the way his fingers twitched. “Before you came to the Institute, Will and I had a habit of breaking the Clave’s Law. The one against _parabatai_ forming romantic attachments to one another. We were young and only had each other. We were never caught, but… it would have been irresponsible of us to continue.

“The feelings never truly left,” Jem went on after taking a breath. He hesitated again. Then, as though reciting a prayer: “I kissed him last night.”

The silence between them lasted for only a few moments, but it was painful. Tessa tried to piece together all that Jem had just told her. Will and Jem. Jem and Will. And her, too.

“You mean to say….” Tessa struggled to find the words. “The three of us…”

Jem nodded. “If you still want to marry me, Tessa, nothing would make me happier.”

She felt a flutter in her chest. She reached out to tug him closer and kissed him. She could feel him break into a grin. His hands fell onto her waist, gripping the fabric of her nightgown.

Tessa kicked off her blankets and kneeled on her bed. This made her taller than Jem, who was merely sitting. She liked that he had to tilt his head back to kiss her at a better angle. She inched closer. Her heart was racing.

 _Yes,_ she wanted to marry Jem. And now she did not have to feel anymore guilt over her feelings for Will. She wondered if Jem had ever felt that same guilt, but it didn’t matter anymore. Everything was out in the open between the three of them.

Her hand touched Jem’s chest. She could feel his heartbeat underneath his clothes, strong and steady. Without breaking the kiss, she pulled out the jade pendant that Will had given him from under his shirt. Tessa curled her hand around it and laughed. Jem pulled away and looked at her quizzically.

“What happens to Will if I decide to marry you?” Tessa asked.

Jem’s gaze flashed to her hand, still holding the fist-shaped pendant. The chain hung between them, a measurement of the space that separated them. His lips curved into a small smile. “He can stay around if he likes.”

He closed the space between them and Tessa let go of the pendant. She heard it drop back against his chest. She touched his cheek again. She felt the scarring of the Brotherhood runes under her fingers and Jem let out a breathy laugh into her mouth.

“What?” Tessa broke the kiss to ask.

Jem shook his head, his eyes alight. “Will did the same thing the night before. I’m here, Tessa. I’ll always be here.”

~

Will found Tessa later that afternoon, on her bed reading. He had left Jem to talk with her alone. They had never broken off their engagement, after all. Will knew that Tessa would need to be with her intended without him disrupting anything.

But it was an hour or so after lunch, and he didn’t think he could stand not seeing her for any longer.

Part of him wanted to ask if Tessa should really be reading. She should have been resting, but he supposed that Magnus’ magic had helped her quite a bit. She looked up when he entered the room and smiled at him.

For once, he could read her expression. It was one of undisguised love. Unashamed. Free of conflict.

“You don’t regret it then? Even now?” Will said. He could have opened with something better than that. He should have asked her how she was feeling, if she was hurt. Not this.

Tessa closed her book and beckoned him to come nearer. Will sat next to her on the bed.

“I love you,” Tessa said. “I never hated you, Will. I loved you even after everything. I could not regret what we did. And now I regret it even less.”

Jem had mentioned this last night. That Tessa was in love with him. Somehow Will hadn’t let himself believe it until this moment.

“Jem told you everything, then?” Will asked.

She nodded. “Can you believe he asked whether I wanted to marry you or him?”

His heart stopped for a moment. He pulled in a breath before asking, “Did you decide?”

“What was there to decide? Jem and I never broke off our engagement officially. And you have never proposed to me,” Tessa said. Her gray eyes lit up like a thunderstorm. Amusement and love. She was grinning as she continued, “But Will, this changes nothing, you know. I love Jem, and I love you. Jem loves me, and Jem loves you.”

“And I love Jem,” said Will, reaching out to stroke the mess that was Tessa’s hair, “and I love you.”

There were so many things he wanted to ask. Tessa said that nothing would change—but _everything_ had changed between the three of them. If Jem and Tessa were going to be married, then where did that leave Will?

Before Will could voice any of them, Tessa was kissing him. She had wrapped her arms around him and he let out a sound. It might have been shock. It might have been want. He wasn’t sure. His hands found her waist, and the memory of her skin under his hands was so vivid that he sighed and pressed in closer.

When the kiss broke, Will still didn’t know what anything meant.

Tessa smiled at him and said that she was tired, and they would talk later.

.

It was getting to be late into the night, but Will had not seen Tessa since that afternoon when she had kissed him. He was reading in the armchair by Jem’s bed as his _parabatai_ played the violin. Will cracked a smile down at the pages of his book. He and Jem were creatures of habit. This night could have been nearly any night of the year.

He heard the lock click into place and looked up to see Tessa. She crossed over to them and waited until Jem had finished his piece before speaking.

“This is where the three of us meet usually, isn’t it?” Tessa asked.

“So it would seem,” Will said.

“We never finished talking this afternoon,” Tessa said.

Jem was putting away his violin. He looked at Tessa and grinned. “What is it?”

“Tessa said that nothing would change between the three of us,” Will said. This pulled Jem’s attention from Tessa to him. “But I didn’t understand. I—If the two of you are going to be married, what are you going to do with me?”

“Well,” said Jem, “you could come on our honeymoon.”

“And stay after that,” Tessa added. “If the two of you insist on breaking the Clave’s Law regarding _parabatai_ , of course.”

“As far as the Clave knows,” Will said with a malicious grin, “the bond has been severed.”

Not that it would matter much in the eyes of the Clave. If they ever got caught.

“I’m aware,” Tessa said. Her next words were not as barbed with humor. She switched from amused to anxious. “Do you want to do this, Will? Do you want to stay with us?”

“I love you,” said Will. To him, this was the most obvious choice in the world. “I told you, Tessa, that I had loved you almost from the moment I met you. You made me want to break my curse. You made me want things. You made me hope for things.”

“You hoped before,” Jem protested. “You hoped for a cure for me.”

Will turned his attention to Jem and leaned closer to his _parabatai_. He smiled. “That was not a hope, James. That was a need. I _needed_ to find a cure for your addiction, and I did not. I could not have hoped for something like this to happen to you. And yet here you are. You were all I had in this world for so long. The one thing I allowed myself. How can I refuse you now?” He looked from Jem to Tessa and back again. “How can I refuse either of you, when each of you holds a half of my heart? When Jem was all I had and Tessa was all I wanted?”

Jem took Will’s hand and played with his fingers. Tessa leaned into Will’s chest and hugged him close to her. Will breathed in deeply. He smelled tea and soap and safety and home.

“We have to be careful,” Jem said.

Tessa and Will nodded with agreement. They would always have to be careful with this. But Will knew that it would be worth it. This was the way that things were meant to be. Tessa’s head on his chest and Jem’s hands in his hair and Will holding the both of them so close they might fuse into one being.


End file.
